How Harry Potter defeated Voldemort
by Minimatt
Summary: How Harry Potter defeated Voldemort and all his Death Eaters in less than a thousand words!


**A/N: This is just a funny not-even-plot-bunny that my brain puked out somewhere between today and yesteryear.**** Have a laugh!  
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**Disclaimer: I am part of the roughly 7 billion people that don't own Harry Potter. Plus slavery is illegal where I live. I do own every way the Death Eaters died, except Draco's pink tutu. I don't want anything to do with tutu's, especially pink ones.  
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**Enjoy!**

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It was a normal day for Harry Potter. He was now thirty years old, more than twice the age he had expected to live when he found out he had to defeat Voldemort, but defeating Voldemort didn't turn out to be as hard as he had expected. Surprisingly enough, or wholly unsurprising depending on your point of view, Voldemort had fallen to muggle technology. In the summer after Harry's fifth year, Harry had been depressed to the point of suicidal. And since underage magic wasn't allowed, Harry had tried to kill himself with muggle household items.

After the fourth failed attempt, Harry finally understood that 'and either must die at the hand of the other' meant he couldn't kill himself, and nobody else could kill Voldemort. Luckily for him, the prophecy ignored all the death-eaters, so all the slightly-more-fatal-than-average muggle household items he created/found/bought/made from various sources weren't completely useless.

In the first trap he'd made, Harry had caught Peter Pettigrew, and had only waited long enough before killing him to learn the names and locations of all the other Death eaters. Afterwards, Peter Pettigrew was found half-eaten by a cursed toaster.

Bellatrix Lestrange was the next to fall, when a slew of muggle tools like hammers, screwdrivers and other pointy or heavy objects smashed through her bedroom window and started away at her. The largest whole piece found of her was a shoe with the foot still in it.

The other Death-Eaters fell quickly after that, Both Carrows died by being crushed by a bookcase, Dolohov died at the hands of a devil's snare Harry had put a sunglass-spell on, Avery was found spliced on the sword of his ancestor, Crouch Jr. was strangled by a carpet and died by suffocation, Crabbe and Goyle had never been found after taking a stroll around the lake near Malfoy Manor, Jugson was poisoned by water, Rodolphus and Rabastan Lestrange were partially found in the front end of a tree-shredder, brought there by a portkey disguised as toilet paper, Nott Sr. was found having been eaten by cursed rats, Thorfin Rowle died in a inexplicable fire, MacNair was tortured to death in his own torture chambers and Yaxley was found dead in his mansion after being strangled by his robes. Only the Malfoys were still alive, all three of them hiding in an impenetrable safe-room deep underneath Malfoy Manor, and Snape, who Harry had almost killed before the man had told him he'd been a spy for the Order.

The day after that, the Daily Prophet was ten pages longer than normal from all the obituaries.

Dumbledore was, unsurprisingly, very disappointed in Harry for killing so shamelessly, whereupon Harry gave him the finger and walked out of his office. After McGonagall regained consciousness, she pounded on Harry and gave him detention until the end of his lifetime, to which Harry responded with 'Ok, bye Minnie!' before he grabbed a portkey to Gringotts.

Dumbledore managed to rope Harry back to hunting horcruxes, which went surprisingly fast by Harry newfound uncaring attitude towards forceful information gathering, and within the week Voldemort had only three horcruxes left (himself, Nagini and Harry). The latter one of those was fixed by an unfortunate Dementor attack staged by one Dolores Umbridge (who was later found hanging from a flagpole just north of Birmigham), while Nagini fell to a timed bomb disguised as a rat. That left Voldemort himself, of course, but without Death Eaters, Harry could portkey himself just fine next to one Tom Marvolo Riddle and strangle him (courtesy of an arm-strengthening spell and his mother's protection), making him 'fall by the hands of the other'.

Lucius Malfoy had been found a few days later in an oil pipeline somewhere in Ukraine, Narcissa Malfoy was found deep inside the caves of Gringotts by a passing cart (she survived by vowed never to cross Harry again) while Draco Malfoy spent several days falling continuously through two vanishing cabinets, one of which Harry had magicked stuck to the ceiling, wearing a pink tutu and having been hexed to speak only of muggle things for a whole year. He cursed Harry thoroughly, though without a wand, and has never since crossed any Potter. Wearing a pink tutu in the Atrium of the Ministry of Magic for multiple days was not a light punishment.

That done, Harry was the most wanted man in the British Wizarding world, and the most hailed one outside of it, so Harry hid himself in plain sight and bought an apartment straight across from the telephone box that led to the ministry. Every single auror and unspeakable of the ministry tried every single tracking spell they knew to find him, yet all the spells told them he was right on top of them. He was, in fact, right on top of them, but they never realized, and so Harry escaped his 'deserved' punishment.

And that is the tale of how Harry Potter defeated Voldemort and all his Death Eaters.


End file.
